BROTHER OF GOD
"Not you again," remarked Matthew upon the appearance of his best customer, Jezebel. "What can I do you for this time?" "Actually it's your brother's fault," Jezebel said. "He's taken to preaching right outside my bedroom window and the sight of such holiness puts me right off my afternoon pleasures. Could you make me up a set of blinds, darling? Why he couldn't have stayed in carpentry himself, I don't know. Such a noble a trade, but everyone has to be a celebrity these days, don't they? Honestly, there's no shame in admitting your parents weren't married when you were conceived these days, you don't have to make up a far-fetched tale about being the son of God!" "No, he really is the son of God. It's God who used to turn up every other Saturday and take him to Goliathland or the latest production of 'Joseph And His Holy Coat'. Put my Dad right in the shade, he did, he said, 'Oh, I like that, just swan on in when it suits you, why don't you, with your millions of worshippers and omnipotence, then sod off to cause a few floods when you think you've done your bit. Who is it that puts the bread on the table, eh? Who is it that made the table?' But God said, 'Well, who was it who made the trees and the ingredients for the bread?' and they had a right barney. God forgave him afterwards, like, but my Dad still resents him a bit." "Oh. I see. Still, even if your brother is the son of God that doesn't mean he knows best. I rather thought children went out of their way not to be like their parents." "Exactly. God knows, I get tired of his sermons myself. Never stopped going on at me when we were kids, 'Blessed is he who puts his toy saw back in the toy box', the parable of the setsquare - you heard that one? Nah, it wasn't one of his best. I should be grateful he's found other folk to pester now, only I still don't get no peace and quiet! Reporters from 'The Son' round all the time, asking what his favourite food is, even though if they'd been listening properly, they'd know fine well it was lizards and chips. Woodchips, that is, haha." "Darling, that was awful." "I know. Well, anyway, I'll knock you up-" "Really?" "No, unless the capacity for unwitting immaculate conception runs in the family. I going about to say, 'I'll knock you up a set of blinds, you can pick 'em up on Friday.' Have you just tried telling him to bugger off, though? It's not like his crowd won't follow him to the end of the earth." "Naturally, but he just said, 'It is those that do not want to listen who need the message most.'" "Yeah, that's my brother all right, still, don't let him get to you, I never paid him the slightest bit of attention and I'm doing just fine, thanks." "Yes, you are fine. Such skillful hands, such things you can do with them." "Well, I'm never going to work miracles myself, but I do my best. Well, Jezebel, nice seeing you again, I'll bring them blinds round on Friday. I'll even knock 10% off for your devotion, how about that?" "I'm glad you've noticed I'm very devoted." *** "Oh, look what the cat's dragged in. Blinds doing the trick? Want another set made up for the kitchen too?" "Actually, that's not a bad idea. I do get ever so hot in there. But no, your brother's been causing a different kind of trouble. I take it you heard about his destruction in the temple?" "Did I ever! People keep coming in and saying, 'I thought he was meant to be the creator, not the destroyer' like I haven't heard it two dozen times already. Honestly, it's me who's supposed to make the bad jokes round here. And really, it's all very well making grand gestures like that in principle, but when the punters don't get what you're trying to prove, there's no point now, is there?" "Personally, I rather think fame has gone to his head. He's getting just like those musicians, what's their name, Judas Preacher, smashing up their lyres during performances. Terribly wasteful. Just because he knows how to magic bread out of thin air doesn't mean the rest of us can." "Ah well, it's good business for me, at least. Maybe that's his motive. That what you come about, then, he been smashing up your place too?" "Not him, but his bloody disciples. They do exactly what he does, like sheep. I never did understand the tale about separating sheep from goats. I much prefer goats myself, much . . . hornier." "Er, yeah. So, what is it you need replacing?" "My China vase. I want a wooden one made instead. I want something sturdy. Something solid." "All right, no problem. I'll have it round by Friday. What sort of dimensions would you like?" "I want something cylindrical, long and thick." *** "Hello, dear." "Oh, all right Jezebel, look, I'm awfully sorry, but would you mind coming back another day? I'm a bit busy at the moment, got to knock together a few crucifixes. You've heard the town crier, looks like there'll be a quite a demand for them in a few days. I'm not too bothered though. Knowing God, he'll work something out." "All right, I'll come again." "As will Christ, I'd wager." *** "Well, what do you make of that then? Showing off worse than ever! Only good thing is now all his followers'll try and do the same thing, but they'll just die. Good business for me an' all. Anyway, what brings you here?" "I just came, on account of my appreciation for your fine quality wood and the marvellous things you do with it." "Yeah, I like to go against the grain a bit. Sorry, my jokes are nowhere near as good as my carpentry." "Yes, your erection is truly magnificent. Your brother may be the Messiah, but I shall kneel before you. Allow me-" "Ah, Jezebel, don't get me wrong, you're a lovely woman and I'm very flattered, but I think you've got the wrong end of the table leg here." "Don't tell me you're becoming a priest too." "Well, I can't say I haven't thought about it, it's not as though I haven't accidentally put nails through my own hands a couple of times, so I could cope with that part in return for the groupies, free wine and so on. But when it comes down to it, the wife would never stand for it. Aw, don't cry pet, I tried to make my feelings plain, but maybe I should have used the lathe instead." "Dear God, that was atrocious." "Nah, that's my stepdad you're thinking of, but you see, you don't want to be with a bloke like me at all, you'd have to put up with all daft jokes all the time. Tell you what, though, I'll make you a special piece free of charge that'll sort you out properly." "A special piece?" "Yes, your very own wooden man." "Oh, that would be simply divine!" "Nah, that's my brother. Tell you what, though, now he's finished all his miracles, he's been much more down to earth, so if you do fancy a spot of half-human company, invite him in for a cup of blood and a sit down. He's got a much better story to tell than I have, that's for sure."
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