Thursday's experiment showed that ducks are not concerned whether they receive the first type of bread I tried (whose name I'll have to check - they don't sell my beloved King Smill in the campus shop here) or Hovis. However, it would seem that ducks are more polite to you if you give them Hovis: they allow you to go in peace when your bread supplies run out and they don't bother anyone else immediately afterwards. This may have more to do with them recognising me as a regular provider though.

I was not able to conduct any "feed foul fowl" experiments yesterday, for I had run out of crusts. However, I bought a loaf of bread and learnt that Mathematicians act very strangely in the presence of Hovis.

Firstly, approximately 90% of them will express delight when you enter a room carrying a loaf of bread.

Then approximately 75% of them will express concern over whether you intend to eat it with anything else. (Surely I'm not the only carless person who buys short-lived individual foodstuffs when they're about to run out, rather than a week's worth at once?)

And the other 25% will question why the beep Hovis packets have pictures of beans and other substances which are not bread on them. Naturally, many people appreciate bread adorned with these products, but surely pictures of them are misleading as to the contents of the packet and the other possible purposes of bread, and make it appear unappetising to people who don't appreciate the depicted foodstuffs?

Anyway. On Thursday, my presentation-writing partner came up with the bright idea of finding a scientific article in the New York Times (she's American) and then finding related articles online, so as to minimise the likelihood of us needing to go to the distant aircraft-hangar-sized library to peruse dry Mathematical texts.

The most interesting article was about animals with large natural roaming ranges going mad in zoos. Admittedly, this is not a very mathematical topic, but since it was breaking news, we decided to do "Advantages And Disadvantages Of Zoos And How To Improve Them".

My doubts over this subject matter arose when I found, online, that eleven year olds were being given this assignment. But since they were just told to instinctively make lists of bullet points, while I spent five hours reading an online book on the subject, an online book about how to educate zoo visitors and loads of animal rights websites (when I wasn't mired in teenyboppers' "opionions" on the issue), I convinced myself (and the lecturer) it was valid.

After that, although it was only 8.30, I was knackered and MARS-afflicted (MARS being Mild Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka Fresher's Flu) so I went to bed. I spent the following morning polishing the speech, catching up with websites, planning this year's NaNoWriMo entry (which I have no hope of finishing, but I have a good idea) and attending a presentation about presentations: another highly informative event.

In the afternoon, we (the OddMaths masters students) gave our presentations, then watched them on video. I concluded that there was something wrong with the video, since I actually looked and sounded quite good on it! As usual, I spoke far too fast and quietly, but having to speak first out of 21 people probably didn't help on that count.

Afterwards, we (the OddMaths masters students and our various lecturers from this week) sat around drinking. Then some of us headed to the nearest non-campus pub, whereupon the aforementioned lecturer offered to buy drinks.

Now, I literally didn't touch alcohol until March 1999. During the following year and a half, I drank when the occasion demanded it of me (which wasn't very often, since I had - and, as you can see, still have - a very boring life). But I discovered:

1. I don't like the taste of alcohol.
2. Four shots consumed in the space of an evening make me quiet and miserable. Two subsequent shots will enhance these feelings, make the walls start moving and convince me to give ridiculous amounts of money to homeless people.
3. Even if drinking was a pleasurable experience for me, I prefer to rely on my inner resources to have a good time. Yes, I like to do expensive things, but only for themselves. A while ago, I spent twenty pounds travelling to London, twenty pounds on seeing a musical there, and twenty pounds on staying in a (shared) hotel room afterwards. Would I buy a three pound program? No way!
4. Although alcohol drains my confidence, even if it did improve it, what's with the phenomenon of people using dangerous, addictive and expensive substances in the name of temporary fake good feelings? Isn't, like, addressing the underlying problem a better idea? Forget alcohol - spend fifty five hours talking to your reflection in Sim and feel those charisma levels rise! I understand using anti-depressants as a temporary measure if you're feeling suicidal, but most people come off them going, "Gah, anti-depressants suck as much as everything else" rather than "w00t! Ain't life grand?" This is hardly surprising, since when I was taking them (as a sedative - I thought they were a simpler way to address insomnia than moving house, ridding myself of the instinct to think "What was that?" when I heard a noise, and convincing the fire service to stop going on strike), when someone (accidentally) hit me in the face, I was like, "Oh, ok". In other words, how can you sort out your problems when they don't seem that important to resolve anymore? I've nothing against drinking if you enjoy it, taking anti-depressants if they work, and so forth, but me, I'd rather resolve problems the hard but lasting way, and hey, I don't currently feel I need to alter my confidence, stress levels or general mood anyway.

And so, when I learned Bryn's (previous) ex was teetotal, I was thought if she can be, then so can I. I haven't been entirely - I've maybe a had a unit a month, on special occasions or to reduce hunger while out - but as near as makes no difference.

However. When you have MARS and someone offers to buy you a drink, remembering that vodka and orange provides one of the best soothing sensations on the sore throat whose only other effective healer is time, it's hard to resist.

So I knocked back two units and was bought two more. I tried to go more slowly on these, but after the third, when I went to the toilet, I could barely walk, doubtless due to not having eaten since midday. When I got back to the table, full of the urge to say, "I love you guys!", one of my coursemates remarked, "I thought you said you were a depressed drunk?"

Aha! I finally understood! I can get happy drunk, it's just beyond the point of lost coordination! (This page and this page explain: since I'm a 106lb female, one shot an hour turns ok moods into blah ones, whereas two shots sends me straight into the "euphoric but with markedly impaired motor skills" zone.) And so for the next two and a half hours, I rambled away about everything on my mind, while consuming another three free units (deliberately slowly to avoid being sick or bought any more).

Observations:

1. I think I have gothic beer goggles, or maybe psychedelic ones. Most people, when drunk, believe people look prettier. I think people look uglier. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my skin was (actually) white and I had loads of freckles on my nose. ?
2. I retain a sense of amused embarrassment.
3. Drinking doesn't make me any more creative.
4. It also kills my appetite.
5. I'm an insomniac drunk.
6. I'm also a sinister drunk. When I went to bed, lying on my right side I felt fine, but on my left side, the room kept tilting.

On balance, though twas an enyojable evening, I was probably quite annoying to more hardened drinkers (namely everyone), so I'm sticking with near teetotality.

Unless I don't have far to walk home afterwards and someone richer than me is paying.

Unfortunately, OddMaths students on The Other Course get bigger grants than us Living Environment types and after all these bonding activities the two groups are getting to know each other quite well.

Oh Dear.